Have you ever been in a situation where someone gets on your nerves, but you still have to deal with them and show up professionally as a leader? What happens when that irritation turns into questioning their integrity or your ability to trust them? I recently finished Tim Elmore’s Eight Paradoxes of Great Leadership, hoping the book’s insights might help me figure out a path forward when the situation arises. Taking “Paradox 7 – Uncommon Leaders Model”a bit outside of the author’s intent, I believe having high standards and gracious forgiveness are my path forward. I feel a slight reprieve from my previous reactions – a win I will most certainly take. I’m writing this post to share some ideas that help my leadership growth, because sometimes, I can be an uncommon leader.
Below are some strategies I discovered that also might work for you. I will remember these to help me be the best leader I can be by three strategies: venting it out with trusted peers, talking it out directly with the difficult person, and writing it out in a medium that works for you
Strategy #1 – Vent it out
First off, I am a venter! I cannot apologize; I see it clearer after a good vent session. Those sessions can be an internal dialogue with myself, a trusted friend or peer. I like to think of those sessions as my very own verbal kickboxing session. Keeping it in is a recipe for disaster. Once I’m done venting, I can step back and assess the situation from all angles. I can then move onto forgiveness mode – I may not forget, but I can forgive. Not everyone gets to be part of my venting sessions because I may not have that type of relationship; it might distract them from what they are working on, or it is a strategy that causes them stress. Be sure to selected your trusted peers.
Amy Morin’s 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do #2 suggests that mentally strong people, ” don’t give away their power.” What my takeaway is:
- I will consciously choose how to spend my time and energy – venting it out is an energy I decided to use, however, holding onto frustration post-vent is an absolute no.
- I will forgive the individual for what I feel they’ve done, regardless of their decision to own up to the fault. It’s my way of lessening the need or desire to carry that weight further.
Strategy #2 – Talk it out
Recently, I read Crucial Conversations (by Grenny, Patterson, McMillan, Switxler & Gregory), which sets you up to have hard conversations. While not always easy, talking out the issues may take time with the person, but it will strengthen the relationship (both business and personal), allowing you to save time in the long run. It also keeps you from many future venting sessions on the issue/person/challenge. I am not saying that talking it out solves all problems, as both parties need to be in the right headspace to have the crucial conversation.
Things I consider when deciding to talk it out:
- What is the relationship worth to me? Is there a benefit in talking out the issues for the team’s good? Stewing on the problem would not benefit the team, I force myself to get uncomfortable. If the issue still needs to be addressed and will not impede the relationship in the future, then I might let it go.
- After a few days, do I still feel the same way? If I answer yes, I must get uncomfortable and talk it out. If I no longer feel strongly about the situation or issue, I let it drop and remember the scenario and outcomes of not talking it out.
- If I choose that I need to talk it out, I will ask their permission instead of blindsiding or accusing them. Every time I ask permission to discuss something hard, it puts both of us at ease.
Strategy #3 – Write it out
Writing is my go-to in the form of blog posts nowadays. It allows me to almost enforce an internal venting session with myself with a splash of talking it out to find more productive solutions. By writing out the thoughts, feelings, and recommendations I would share with someone I am mentoring, I am more at ease with my outcomes than if I just vented it out. Reading books and articles written by others helps me navigate the challenges and internal politics we all face, which lends well to venting it out.
While these are the three go-to strategies I use when someone gets on my nerves or pushes my buttons, I know I am part of the equation because hearts and minds (people) almost always have some reaction. I can control how we choose to resolve it internally or externally.Consider your techniques when someone gets on your nerves or makes you question their integrity. How would you like to show up differently? If you are still looking for other techniques than the ones I have shared, consider finding a great mentor.
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